"It's okay baby. Don't cry. I love you." My grandma had said wiping my salty wet tears from my red face. Those words had been the last that she said to me, and up until this day these words had been playing through my mind. Like a broken record that wouldn't stop.
I never really believed that as you get older, time flys right past you. But now as I get older many things begin to change. It was the day of my grandmas funereal. So many things had been running through my mind that day. So many memories that I had shared with her. In my mind I kept flashing back to the day that she passed away. Every single detail was clear to me. When it started, until it stopped.
I had heard a terrifying yelp that made me worry. I knew it happened, but I didn't want to believe it. I dashed so fast that I nearly missed the room that my grandma was in. As I was walking back I had heard that long beeeeeeeep. I had swallowed a dry lump in my throat, that followed through my chest and then sunk into my stomach. I had never felt anything like this before. So many things had been running through my mind right now that I had forgotten the most important thing. I had lost my hero. My friend. But most importantly my grandma.As I started to move my foot forward, instead I took one back and then took a second to breathe. Then I decided to take my step. My head drooped down as I walked into the room. As I looked up, I saw my relatives with sorrow faces and streaks of salty wet tears running down on the sound of their faces. Then I had looked straight. She had caught my eye. After all this time I had kept everything bottled up inside of myself, and once I let it out I felt relived. Each time a tear rolled down my cheek, it reminded me of a memory that I shared with her. Like every time she would pick me up after school, the minute we got home we would head straight to the cupboard and pull out cake mix. Then after they came fresh out of the oven, we would eat them til' our tummy's hurt. Or like the other time when my cousins and I were young she would take us on little strolls down to the bakery or a fast food place. Now I could never look back on those wonderful memories with the one person I shared them with. I couldn't believe it. She was gone. Forever and was never coming back.The night after the funeral, my mom's footsteps had woken me up. She was walking down the hallway to get a glass of milk. Right when she turned on the lights, a huge light came into my room and out of the window. I knew it was her to say that she was here to stay with us. And now I can't wait until I go to sleep because every now and then she appears in my dreams to come and tell me that everything is going to be alright.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Rough draft #2
Posted by ari at 9:04 PM
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5 comments:
It's very descriptive and I can understand what you mean. I can tell where you paragraphs start and end.
The tone is enjoyable and flowing. If this was mine I would make the last para graph into two or more paragraphs other than that I really like it because I could relate because my uncle died and it was a sad time for me also.
great beginning! i don't think you need a cue for the flashack. not necessary.
This is an amazing piece of writing. I was deeply moved reading this. Your honesty really comes through. talk to me about a few very small tips i have for you.wow!
I like how descriptive you were when you wrote about some of your special memories with your grandmother. I also liked the sentences: "I had swallowed a dry lump in my throat, that followed through my chest and then sunk into my stomach. I had never felt anything like this before." It is a strong point of this piece I think. The style of your writing is sort of dark, but not REALLY. One pointer I have, though, is not to overuse the word "had". Remember the rule: Had is Bad.
i liked how you used good details and how you were sad when your grandma died. i can relate to your story, but not with my grandma, but with my cousin.
marsh was here
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